Yes, I'm still blogging!

I will begin this post with a sarcastic apology: Sorry Mary!

I haven't blogged since last Thursday. This is mostly due to the fact that I felt like my thoughts didn't add up to anything.  Tonight, I've thrown caution to the wind...well actually I had a few more cohesive thoughts while in the shower and that's why I decided to blog.

SI has been a mixed bag for me. Although everything is really fun and good (great descriptors there...) sometimes what we've worked on and talked about has left me in an uncomfortable space with my own identity. There have been moments where I've felt unsure about who I've become during my journey as a teacher and moments where I've felt a bit "wobbly" about whether I've done things the "right" way. This is coming only from me. I know this because everything I've experienced at SI has been affirming and reassuring even within a questioning space. This has left me with a feeling that I can now put into some questions: Is what I have to offer as a teacher valuable? Does my unusual educational background negatively impact my students? What parts of myself have I given up in order to fit in to a public school teaching environment? Why am I doing this?

My life has always been about learning. My parents may have been pioneers in the homeschooling world and may not have done everything "right," but they did help me find my identity as a learner. I grew up without a care about grades or being smart or passing tests. I loved poetry. I listened to French records with my mother for fun. I read more books than I can believe. There were few boundaries between school/life/home/community. I was a person. I felt joy often.

I want these things for my students. However, I am both a dreamer and a realist. My students have grown up in a system where they expect me to play a certain role. I am the great "giver of grades." (epic music playing in background) I am always negotiating between ME and TEACHER ME. How do I reconcile the two?

It is easy for me to criticize myself and my teaching. But if I'm realistic, I notice that I have had good results with individual students and with EOCs etc. My students show growth according to the fancy data generators. I think I can feel proud, or at least successful because of that, but I always hold myself to another standard because I don't teach to the test. Actually, I was asked by a district curriculum person how I achieved the scores and growth I do. I stated that I never think about the test. This is true. I think the person was disappointed that I didn't have a more sophisticated response. Obviously, I'm not good at buzz words and school-lingo, or maybe I would have said something else. Well, probably not.

So if I'm thinking about grades, I could say that my grades have been good. If I measure myself against others, I've had some success. However, this is not what I look at. I look back on the student who I didn't reach and I wonder how I failed. I remember moments where I was too tired to fully address a student's need. I think about miscommunications that hurt someone's feelings. As a person who was never measured by grades as a child, I can't fully accept a grade now. I will always think about personal best. On the surface this may seem like a great idea. I'm sure you recognize it as a double edged sword.

I don't think I have any answers to my questions, but I have one thing that I didn't have before SI. That one thing is the feeling of not being alone in my quest for answers to my questions. I now know I am not the only one asking about grading. And more importantly to me, I'm not asking about it just because of my own non-traditional background. I have felt marginalized by some after I "come out" about my non-traditional educational life. Now I know that my ideas are not generated just from a place of being different. I'm not just weird. I'm thinking deeply about teaching and my practice. I might be weird as well, but as I get older that seems less scary!

I think that one thing I will continue to do in my teaching, but with more confidence, is to bring myself as a learner and a person into my classroom. I will worry less about fitting in with other teachers. Obviously, there are people like me out there...I've met a group of them this summer! I will rest in the fact that it's ok not to have a perfect formula for writing a paper. (I didn't have one anyway...) I will also continue to be part of a conversation that I didn't have access to before.  I will rest with that.

I will never arrive at perfection. My teaching will never arrive at perfection. One thing I can tell you though...daybooks are going to work in my non-traditional setting. Daybooks are the way I will challenge my students to engage with their own thoughts and with me. It will be a beautiful mess of a thing. I can't wait to see the blank stares hear the groans when I pass out those composition books. It will be a beautiful moment.